Officially home...

It's been a while... There have been so many changes that I had to take time and swallow everything, try to understand or get accustomed to the new ME. I am officially waiting for my babies to come to the light, in simple words, on the maternity leave. It has a been some time since I had such a long break and one thing I realized: I will never be a housewife! I just can't! I have to admit I miss my working place, my students, I miss teaching already... 'Cause I said before I don't imagine myself doing anything else but teaching.
But now it's different, now I am in a different stage of my life and, as all mothers say, I am in the happiest stage of my life. And I do have dreams and I also have nightmares: "what if" is the common question for my nights. I tried picturing myself in the hospital theater, thinking how I will hear the doctors speaking about the pregnancy , about me, discussing what they see (????!!!!!), me, half-asleep there listening, not replying... then I try to picture them (what will they look like, will they be safe and sound?), then me in bed waiting to see if I can move, some strangers surrounding me, washing me, voices, laughter, cries.... this must be the hospital atmosphere... and this is what runs through my mind all these nights.
But the good parts- because there are good parts too- revolve mainly around the free time I haven't had in such a long time and a sort of time-out I was longing for.
It's nice to have time for yourself, to think a bit longer and maybe ask yourself questions...it is a good exercise and it can reveal many unsolved or unanswered issues. There have been a few interesting things I discovered: human nature is a continuous mystery and the more you try to understand some people the faster you will fail in your attempt, because we are that different...there are always things that one's mind cannot understand or accept about his fellow human (there are sometimes miles away and basic differences that cannot help us into understanding), so we have to let go and live without interfering...that's the conclusion I came to.Another thing: friendship is very important, and even if the older we get the more we refuse that noisy partying atmosphere among friends, we all need to know, at least, that we have, out there in the world, some people we can rely on, some people we think love us and trust us and would come for our help when needed. It is true that true friends are so few and so hard to find, but we need to have these few people in our lives...
I started reading a very interesting book Andrei Plesu, Parabolele lui Iisus, I would recommend it to anyone interested in a wonderfully-written analysis of the biblical sayings, a more philosophical approach, far away from the crappy no-name explanations we have been used to lately.
I could also watch (a simple coincidence with the book genre) a wonderful film Beyond the hills. It has everything: drama, love, deep analysis of the soul, simple and professional acting, keeps you present, the sort of image and idea you need to come back to and ask yourself questions, the basic definition of a good film.
I listen to a lot of music...classical, dance, reggae and it makes me happy...
I am planning on working some teaching materials and when I have some good ones I will share them with you.
Until next time, have a good and peaceful life!

A matter of time...

It's amazing how time flies, runs, flows... Or is it just our way of traveling through a still time that has never been different? Today morning I woke up and I realized we have been together for two years, that we have shared the time, the cries, the pains, the happiness for two big years... " And  I  now pronounce you man and wife" that's how everything starts. Then it's up to us the way we make it work and yes, as the old ladies had told me, it ain't easy. But I guess it's the most amazing challenge that a person should face, learning how to share and give away a part of your own existence... The second one is, of course, holding your babies and sharing more from who you are, changing streams if necessary, because, all of a sudden, there is something more important in this whole world than yourself.
At first it seemed so hard to share the space in the same closet, then is seemed hard to clean the table after the meal because they (aka men) would never do that unless they are told, then it seemed hard to see the "other face", the angry face and, even worse, witness your own transformation from the gentle princess into the ugly duck quacking around because things were supposed to be different, then it became even harder to understand the long moments of unexplained silence or the lack of constant attention that you (aka gentle princess) were used to receiving at the beginning. But all these small "adventures" are the signature of a normal, sane marriage, I believe. These are the initiation steps we all need to make on our path to being together as a couple. Then things magically change, because We Change, we graduate and adjust our own existence that has now a totally different contour.
And then a day comes when we celebrate the first, the second, hopefully the 30th year together and I am sure each time we have the nostalgia of our constant learning more and more about who we are. And that is a good thing, because there is no other place we have the right to be ourselves, but our home. There we scream, we laugh, we make love  and we cry, but our home ( the place we live together, no matter how big or small the place might be) is also the most genuine form of human existence. Intimacy is a great word, but I do worship the idea- nothing else should interfere in this inner world of our family- it should stay a private matter that only WE can solve, enjoy and live through.
So I celebrate two years from my existence and I am happy. There have been so many beautiful things happening:
- I met wonderful people
-I have had a good job, I have done exactly what I like most in this world
-I traveled a lot and I gathered precious memories with my friends and colleagues at the same time
- I learned from my mistakes and I hope I became a more experienced person
-I went to my best friends' weddings and I smiled and shared their happiness
- I could hold my friends and shared their sorrows, then again I could feel their own happiness when things got solved
-I was surrounded by love for which I am deeply grateful to God
- I am to be a mother- no words to explain how I feel
- I have a husband I should thank to for patience and love and support
-I had to see some of my friends take different paths, I had to face the change but I also learned that change is good and I am sure they will be happy on their way because I trust their power and their faith.
- I re-discovered my long lost friends and found out how much their lives have changed and how much they are still the ones I knew there deep inside.
So, yes, time flies and there are good moments and bad moments, but I would really love to think about the bright side, the good things, because we have one life, one chance and in our life story we must cling on those facts and people and memories that makes us go on and give us the reason to live.
I guess marriage and life are the simple boats that need a lot of mending but can lead us to the shore, not  the fancy yachts sinking at the first blow.It's a matter of choice and faith.

Waiting...

Who said hope makes the difference? I don't know but it's the only thing I have. So how does it work? Strangely. Why do we always search for answers when we know there are none? Why do we stop, kneel and pray when we know it's the ultimate choice?Why do we need to learn all important things "the hard way", as most say?
I know you all must have had these kind of downs, and I know the greatest pain is your own. But the worst part I have ever lived is waiting..., knowing everything is somewhere, the answers are there (whether we like them or not) and that immediately after getting the answer, you still need to go on living...that's the ugly beauty of life.
Waiting takes a hell of a time and it takes a lot of energy too. So you find yourself living a thousand faces for each and every person you are talking, trying to find strength and meaning for your own way of going on, imagining scenarios of what could and should be after, but the funny part is: you will never know for sure. There are billion of seconds in this waiting that you must fill with daily chores and words and greetings and eating and sleeping. But nothing looks the same.So, yes, I see myself from the outside, I am the watcher of my own living, but I am not there. I try to cope with building up another me (in the worst case scenario), be strong (there are so many definitions for this). Think positive is my favorite line. Well I guess and I hope there is some meaning in this, but it's strangely put when the outcome can be a total disaster. Sounds like Murphy's laws, when you think nothing can go worse, it can.
So I can only type here, blubbering about my own confusion, hoping and maybe watching into the screen as if looking into the only mirror capable of reflecting the entire turmoil shading my image.
I learn how to stand still, waiting... (don't try this at home!)

All that you have is your soul...

Haven't you ever felt that the more you struggle the more difficult it becomes to gain something? How come for some of us everything is damn difficult and for others is so damn easy? Is it luck or fortune? Is is something special that some are born with?

And the worst part is that even if you wrestle with all the problems, the final achievement is never guaranteed. Some say it's all about the fight...life itself seems so be a continuous struggle to become a better person, have better things, live in better conditions. But do we all come across the meaning of all that? Does it have a meaning? I heard many times God is just giving us all the troubles to strengthen us, to make us aware of all the inner power we possess. It might be so, it should be so, still it is too challenging and depressing sometimes, it is some sort of pain we don't want to go through.
I could never cheat at my exams. I just didn't feel it right. My mother taught me that each small achievement has to be done with a moral attitude, because winning something by fake or by cheat is wrong and shameful. Then she told me that if I study hard life will offer me the credit I deserve, that I could have a decent life, win more money and offer my children a better life. Really?! I am wondering every day: do all these shameless bastards with no knowledge, no respect for the elders, for life or for themselves had a moral behavior for all the fortune and fame they show off with every day? Do these bimbo-es smiling with a dumb face and having no other qualities but their naked body had to struggle for their villas and high-life?
Don't get me wrong...I don't really want a luxurious car or a huge house...I want a decent life and, trust me, in Romania is very difficult to have that by hard work and wits.I would love to offer my children the possibility to see some important cities in the world, to buy them quality food, nice toys, nice clothes, good education in a very good school. But even enrolling your child to a good school is a real struggle. There are hours of waiting in front of headmasters offices, start preparing papers 2 years ahead, talk to all the people involved, pay some attention to the cleaning lady ('cause she knows how stuff works in that school) and in the end there is nothing about knowledge...the selection has nothing to do with the child' abilities, vocations or desires. It's just a way of branding a good school by having only rich kids studying there. And we are not even close those famous private schools we find abroad, where there are rich people contributing for the school, but even the school provides the best accommodation, best teachers, best future perspectives. No, here the story is so much different: the more you study the bigger loser you are seen and the less work opportunities you have; the more you inject drugs and spend your rich daddy's money on drinks and women the higher you step on the social ladder.
I can cope with that too, but I would really love to think that all this creepy social and moral situation might change in the future, that we, as society, have a chance.
I heard our president advising young students, freshly finishing their studies to leave the country and find better jobs abroad. And then they ask about patriotism, about wrestling for your own country. Why? What for? I am very much aware that if we stay here and work in our own country, create our own products and buy them we help the national economy,thus providing a better life for ourselves and our children. I also know the change has to start from us, from each of us, by means of educating ourselves into finding resources, life long education and flexibility in the job market. And I am sure most of the people my age do that. Still it has become harder and harder to find or keep a proper and decent job. And that's sad...
I was reading some nice and quite inspiring quotes about wrestling and I have always agreed that "without the pain there is no gain", but how come there can be so much gain without any pain? That's my question. And yes, maybe "the art of living is more like wrestling than dancing" (Marcus Aurelius), but can't we just dream that one day we will be allowed to dance as a celebration of this continuous wrestling?
And to sweeten a bit my bitter tone I am just going to dedicate this wonderful song to all of you who sometimes share my worries: