Waiting...

Who said hope makes the difference? I don't know but it's the only thing I have. So how does it work? Strangely. Why do we always search for answers when we know there are none? Why do we stop, kneel and pray when we know it's the ultimate choice?Why do we need to learn all important things "the hard way", as most say?
I know you all must have had these kind of downs, and I know the greatest pain is your own. But the worst part I have ever lived is waiting..., knowing everything is somewhere, the answers are there (whether we like them or not) and that immediately after getting the answer, you still need to go on living...that's the ugly beauty of life.
Waiting takes a hell of a time and it takes a lot of energy too. So you find yourself living a thousand faces for each and every person you are talking, trying to find strength and meaning for your own way of going on, imagining scenarios of what could and should be after, but the funny part is: you will never know for sure. There are billion of seconds in this waiting that you must fill with daily chores and words and greetings and eating and sleeping. But nothing looks the same.So, yes, I see myself from the outside, I am the watcher of my own living, but I am not there. I try to cope with building up another me (in the worst case scenario), be strong (there are so many definitions for this). Think positive is my favorite line. Well I guess and I hope there is some meaning in this, but it's strangely put when the outcome can be a total disaster. Sounds like Murphy's laws, when you think nothing can go worse, it can.
So I can only type here, blubbering about my own confusion, hoping and maybe watching into the screen as if looking into the only mirror capable of reflecting the entire turmoil shading my image.
I learn how to stand still, waiting... (don't try this at home!)

All that you have is your soul...

Haven't you ever felt that the more you struggle the more difficult it becomes to gain something? How come for some of us everything is damn difficult and for others is so damn easy? Is it luck or fortune? Is is something special that some are born with?

And the worst part is that even if you wrestle with all the problems, the final achievement is never guaranteed. Some say it's all about the fight...life itself seems so be a continuous struggle to become a better person, have better things, live in better conditions. But do we all come across the meaning of all that? Does it have a meaning? I heard many times God is just giving us all the troubles to strengthen us, to make us aware of all the inner power we possess. It might be so, it should be so, still it is too challenging and depressing sometimes, it is some sort of pain we don't want to go through.
I could never cheat at my exams. I just didn't feel it right. My mother taught me that each small achievement has to be done with a moral attitude, because winning something by fake or by cheat is wrong and shameful. Then she told me that if I study hard life will offer me the credit I deserve, that I could have a decent life, win more money and offer my children a better life. Really?! I am wondering every day: do all these shameless bastards with no knowledge, no respect for the elders, for life or for themselves had a moral behavior for all the fortune and fame they show off with every day? Do these bimbo-es smiling with a dumb face and having no other qualities but their naked body had to struggle for their villas and high-life?
Don't get me wrong...I don't really want a luxurious car or a huge house...I want a decent life and, trust me, in Romania is very difficult to have that by hard work and wits.I would love to offer my children the possibility to see some important cities in the world, to buy them quality food, nice toys, nice clothes, good education in a very good school. But even enrolling your child to a good school is a real struggle. There are hours of waiting in front of headmasters offices, start preparing papers 2 years ahead, talk to all the people involved, pay some attention to the cleaning lady ('cause she knows how stuff works in that school) and in the end there is nothing about knowledge...the selection has nothing to do with the child' abilities, vocations or desires. It's just a way of branding a good school by having only rich kids studying there. And we are not even close those famous private schools we find abroad, where there are rich people contributing for the school, but even the school provides the best accommodation, best teachers, best future perspectives. No, here the story is so much different: the more you study the bigger loser you are seen and the less work opportunities you have; the more you inject drugs and spend your rich daddy's money on drinks and women the higher you step on the social ladder.
I can cope with that too, but I would really love to think that all this creepy social and moral situation might change in the future, that we, as society, have a chance.
I heard our president advising young students, freshly finishing their studies to leave the country and find better jobs abroad. And then they ask about patriotism, about wrestling for your own country. Why? What for? I am very much aware that if we stay here and work in our own country, create our own products and buy them we help the national economy,thus providing a better life for ourselves and our children. I also know the change has to start from us, from each of us, by means of educating ourselves into finding resources, life long education and flexibility in the job market. And I am sure most of the people my age do that. Still it has become harder and harder to find or keep a proper and decent job. And that's sad...
I was reading some nice and quite inspiring quotes about wrestling and I have always agreed that "without the pain there is no gain", but how come there can be so much gain without any pain? That's my question. And yes, maybe "the art of living is more like wrestling than dancing" (Marcus Aurelius), but can't we just dream that one day we will be allowed to dance as a celebration of this continuous wrestling?
And to sweeten a bit my bitter tone I am just going to dedicate this wonderful song to all of you who sometimes share my worries:

Music to my ears...

There are things I really like hearing or listening to. There are so many little things that have become "music to my ears".

Yes, as you might have thought, I love listening to music, good music, old music, romantic and passionate rhythm, a mixture of softness and power, the type of sound Mozart has in his works (for example) or, on the other hand, Janis Joplin. But that's just the beginning...
I have discovered I like the sound of water filling the coffee kettle in the morning and the way  the
teaspoon chirps while stirring the 3/4 milk and 1/4 coffee I am now allowed to drink.
I love my mother's voice at the other end of the telephone line (this is as close as I can get to her these days); she can still bring me back to life and give me some confidence when I stop seeing the silver lining of the dark approaching clouds...
I learned I can sometimes even like my hubby's snoring, especially while trying to work on something in the middle of the night :) (it's not his fault I have this damn insomnia).
I love hearing the word baby/ies (this word has a magical effect on my brain: I suddenly think of my own and even if I get a little worried hoping everything would be fine, I still feel some kind of euphoria like I have just come out from a relaxing massage)
I always enjoy listening to good jokes, written ones or those nice moments I share with my friends and colleagues at work; it's nice to be surrounded by people who can come up with great creative ideas or ways of dodging the narrow-minded stream ...
I like listening to funny good news and sometimes some science news; I am interested in the technological innovations, especially because I can't help admiring the creativity of the modern century scientists; those type of news you can actually learn something from.
I fancy eavesdropping strangers in the street, those fragments of lines people let behind like some trails on the beach sand. It's interesting that you become witness to their private unknown life and you would never find out the outcome of their problems or dreams or plans. You can re-create or guess it, but you will never know for sure. That's when I feel embarrassed thinking of my high pitch voice when walking and talking at the same time, sometimes arguing or naming things and people I shouldn't.
I love listening to my friends and I thank God I have a few good friends I can share my life with.
I am sure the no.1 sound is yet to be discovered: I am definitely eager to hear the sound of my babies, their mumbles, their cries, their happiness and pray their voices fill my life...with some meaning...