Waiting...

Who said hope makes the difference? I don't know but it's the only thing I have. So how does it work? Strangely. Why do we always search for answers when we know there are none? Why do we stop, kneel and pray when we know it's the ultimate choice?Why do we need to learn all important things "the hard way", as most say?
I know you all must have had these kind of downs, and I know the greatest pain is your own. But the worst part I have ever lived is waiting..., knowing everything is somewhere, the answers are there (whether we like them or not) and that immediately after getting the answer, you still need to go on living...that's the ugly beauty of life.
Waiting takes a hell of a time and it takes a lot of energy too. So you find yourself living a thousand faces for each and every person you are talking, trying to find strength and meaning for your own way of going on, imagining scenarios of what could and should be after, but the funny part is: you will never know for sure. There are billion of seconds in this waiting that you must fill with daily chores and words and greetings and eating and sleeping. But nothing looks the same.So, yes, I see myself from the outside, I am the watcher of my own living, but I am not there. I try to cope with building up another me (in the worst case scenario), be strong (there are so many definitions for this). Think positive is my favorite line. Well I guess and I hope there is some meaning in this, but it's strangely put when the outcome can be a total disaster. Sounds like Murphy's laws, when you think nothing can go worse, it can.
So I can only type here, blubbering about my own confusion, hoping and maybe watching into the screen as if looking into the only mirror capable of reflecting the entire turmoil shading my image.
I learn how to stand still, waiting... (don't try this at home!)