Facebook and the rain... or viceversa

I guess this continuous rain got into my brains too, I feel my mind empty, numb, stuck into some kind of metallic stillness...I like spring (even though I'd rather have endless summer), but this spring got on my nerves... so many people say rain is poetical, rain reveals the depths of human soul, rain tells about the world better than the sun; maybe, but after weeks of cold and  grey we all need some shades of orange and red and green...
... So I spend most of my time with my children and of course the magical Facebook. I was just thinking the other day how long I've been refusing to start an account on Facebook, firstly because I was scared it was like other social networks that linked me (through my friends) to all sort of curious, unwanted people; secondly, because I was under the impression there is nothing so interesting there, like there is no actual communication, there is no message going on...well I started the account because I wanted to keep contact with my friends and colleagues during my maternity leave and of course, show them pictures of my children (to make them live witnesses to their constant growing up) :)
The first question my husband asked when I showed him my account was : "and that's it, you just post pictures and people look at them and they hit the like button?"
"Well, basically, yes", I said.
Then it got me thinking... well, it's not just that... it is about hitting that like button but, by doing so, it's a way of turning alive into an inert world, it's the sign you exist, you are alive and kicking, it's the simple way of showing your interest in the others, of following their lives in a way we could never do in person...I found here my colleagues, my friends and I can monitor their lives from miles away... well that's amazing even the time of our lives facing each other, smiling at each other, touching each other... there are no more senses involved, but these bits of postcards, pictures and quotes we share from one another, and that's the way we understand how they feel: sad, angry, passionate, desperate... that's what we do, check the postcards and motivational pictures and we understand... then we hit LIKE (the most neutral form of showing our support and the fact that we actually share their thoughts and feeling) though it is terribly sad. There are so few instances when we get the time to enjoy real meetings and real life...
I have seen so much joy and pain shouted on Facebook and I could not stop thinking : If a guy walked in the street yelling : "I got married!" or " I'm broken! I wanna die" everyone would consider him a lunatic... here the moment we see this written we hit the like and appreciate his/her courage to tell the truth (we say).
We are all stuck to our desks and homes, we say it's social network, I would say it's the only free time-virtual time network, because if we had the time to go out and share our joys and pains with our friends, if we could spend hours searching clothes in the shops or wander around in search of a cheaper bag, or a cheaper piece of furniture,if we had the time to join themed-clubs and be present there every week to share ideas, advice or information, Facebook would now be just a network for teenagers in search for a partner...but no, our friends are not living close anymore, people get spread around the world, the office hours are longer and longer, the time has changed his face ... we are actually booking the face of time- that should be the definition of Facebook.
So I guess running away from a Facebook account is like going hunting and refusing the gun, no one can face the bear bare-handedly so eventually he will shout for a gun... or play dead :)
Here is a little piece of advice: try and reduce the Facebook to the ultimate means of revealing yourselves, make it a tool, not a purpose... we are human beings and we are terribly beautiful when we exist in real, no picture, no postcard or quote will ever speak our minds better than our eyes, hands and mouth...and there will never be a bigger joy than hugging a friend after 20 years even if you have liked his photos every day...no better joy than seeing your parents faces dropping tears of joy, even though you Skype-ed them every day and never a more genuine love than the kiss of your lover blowing a few hairs covering your face... or the smell of your child hugging you... I'm challenging Facebook to beat that !!!! :)

Motherhood

Yes, I delivered my babies on a winter morning without even dreaming that was THE day...writing and chatting with a friend until 3 in the morning and then at 7 it just happened, my little ones stopped waiting, wanted to come out and do their way in this world... And it was NOTHING I imagined, everything was completely different from what I had previously thought. I was sure I will stay in the hospital for a few days... well I stayed 2 weeks... I was sure I will handle everything by my own... it was so wrong I got frustrated and scared and in need of so much help. I was dreaming myself breastfeeding but I could not have that wonderful feeling (only for a moment one snowy evening and that was all).When I finally got home I got help from my mom and then I was alone for a week... :) handling twins is no joke and when I thought I slowly got the hint, they got sick and I was back in hospital for 2 more weeks...
I could see so much suffering and courage that I have never imagined it could actually exist in this world... I saw young parents coming to the hospital to feed their sick (undergoing surgeries) baby every 3 hour  (and they have done this for 4 months)... but they were happy and considered all the tiredness and suffering just steps before finally sharing all their life with their baby, hoping to be well and forget all the bad things. I realized my problems were just nothing compared to theirs.
I made friends...real mothers I had so much to learn from and I thank them for this
Being a mother changes everything and well it's not all smiles and happiness...it is so much more that I cannot express in proper words. One should be ready to face herself in a different mirror, to change the way and learn to become that person the children need: fearless, fresh and happy when deep inside the opposite happens and yes it is challenging.
Of course it is beautiful and rewarding like nothing else in this world and it's true the smile of your baby makes your day and erases all the bad and the dark. But behind this there is a real struggle a woman faces by herself, 'cause only she can deal with what her soul cries, asks, wonders and faces...
Maybe it's only me but the day I stepped out holding my husband elbow (first time away from the kids) in the street I had the vague feeling I once lived a different life (a job, friends, love life, real life), a life I cannot come back to anymore, a life I have to change and learn how to start a new one, reinvent myself as responsible for the lives of my babies (and that's big, trust me). I panicked many times and I was on the verge of losing myself, but I had to come to my senses for them... I guess that's  why mothers become stronger and that's why they look so powerful and I hope one day I will call myself a MOTHER... like my own mother who amazed me with the patience, endurance and love she surrounded me with...
Until then, motherhood is for me an ongoing process and the feed-back can only be found so many years later, in another time and world...

Officially home...

It's been a while... There have been so many changes that I had to take time and swallow everything, try to understand or get accustomed to the new ME. I am officially waiting for my babies to come to the light, in simple words, on the maternity leave. It has a been some time since I had such a long break and one thing I realized: I will never be a housewife! I just can't! I have to admit I miss my working place, my students, I miss teaching already... 'Cause I said before I don't imagine myself doing anything else but teaching.
But now it's different, now I am in a different stage of my life and, as all mothers say, I am in the happiest stage of my life. And I do have dreams and I also have nightmares: "what if" is the common question for my nights. I tried picturing myself in the hospital theater, thinking how I will hear the doctors speaking about the pregnancy , about me, discussing what they see (????!!!!!), me, half-asleep there listening, not replying... then I try to picture them (what will they look like, will they be safe and sound?), then me in bed waiting to see if I can move, some strangers surrounding me, washing me, voices, laughter, cries.... this must be the hospital atmosphere... and this is what runs through my mind all these nights.
But the good parts- because there are good parts too- revolve mainly around the free time I haven't had in such a long time and a sort of time-out I was longing for.
It's nice to have time for yourself, to think a bit longer and maybe ask yourself questions...it is a good exercise and it can reveal many unsolved or unanswered issues. There have been a few interesting things I discovered: human nature is a continuous mystery and the more you try to understand some people the faster you will fail in your attempt, because we are that different...there are always things that one's mind cannot understand or accept about his fellow human (there are sometimes miles away and basic differences that cannot help us into understanding), so we have to let go and live without interfering...that's the conclusion I came to.Another thing: friendship is very important, and even if the older we get the more we refuse that noisy partying atmosphere among friends, we all need to know, at least, that we have, out there in the world, some people we can rely on, some people we think love us and trust us and would come for our help when needed. It is true that true friends are so few and so hard to find, but we need to have these few people in our lives...
I started reading a very interesting book Andrei Plesu, Parabolele lui Iisus, I would recommend it to anyone interested in a wonderfully-written analysis of the biblical sayings, a more philosophical approach, far away from the crappy no-name explanations we have been used to lately.
I could also watch (a simple coincidence with the book genre) a wonderful film Beyond the hills. It has everything: drama, love, deep analysis of the soul, simple and professional acting, keeps you present, the sort of image and idea you need to come back to and ask yourself questions, the basic definition of a good film.
I listen to a lot of music...classical, dance, reggae and it makes me happy...
I am planning on working some teaching materials and when I have some good ones I will share them with you.
Until next time, have a good and peaceful life!

A matter of time...

It's amazing how time flies, runs, flows... Or is it just our way of traveling through a still time that has never been different? Today morning I woke up and I realized we have been together for two years, that we have shared the time, the cries, the pains, the happiness for two big years... " And  I  now pronounce you man and wife" that's how everything starts. Then it's up to us the way we make it work and yes, as the old ladies had told me, it ain't easy. But I guess it's the most amazing challenge that a person should face, learning how to share and give away a part of your own existence... The second one is, of course, holding your babies and sharing more from who you are, changing streams if necessary, because, all of a sudden, there is something more important in this whole world than yourself.
At first it seemed so hard to share the space in the same closet, then is seemed hard to clean the table after the meal because they (aka men) would never do that unless they are told, then it seemed hard to see the "other face", the angry face and, even worse, witness your own transformation from the gentle princess into the ugly duck quacking around because things were supposed to be different, then it became even harder to understand the long moments of unexplained silence or the lack of constant attention that you (aka gentle princess) were used to receiving at the beginning. But all these small "adventures" are the signature of a normal, sane marriage, I believe. These are the initiation steps we all need to make on our path to being together as a couple. Then things magically change, because We Change, we graduate and adjust our own existence that has now a totally different contour.
And then a day comes when we celebrate the first, the second, hopefully the 30th year together and I am sure each time we have the nostalgia of our constant learning more and more about who we are. And that is a good thing, because there is no other place we have the right to be ourselves, but our home. There we scream, we laugh, we make love  and we cry, but our home ( the place we live together, no matter how big or small the place might be) is also the most genuine form of human existence. Intimacy is a great word, but I do worship the idea- nothing else should interfere in this inner world of our family- it should stay a private matter that only WE can solve, enjoy and live through.
So I celebrate two years from my existence and I am happy. There have been so many beautiful things happening:
- I met wonderful people
-I have had a good job, I have done exactly what I like most in this world
-I traveled a lot and I gathered precious memories with my friends and colleagues at the same time
- I learned from my mistakes and I hope I became a more experienced person
-I went to my best friends' weddings and I smiled and shared their happiness
- I could hold my friends and shared their sorrows, then again I could feel their own happiness when things got solved
-I was surrounded by love for which I am deeply grateful to God
- I am to be a mother- no words to explain how I feel
- I have a husband I should thank to for patience and love and support
-I had to see some of my friends take different paths, I had to face the change but I also learned that change is good and I am sure they will be happy on their way because I trust their power and their faith.
- I re-discovered my long lost friends and found out how much their lives have changed and how much they are still the ones I knew there deep inside.
So, yes, time flies and there are good moments and bad moments, but I would really love to think about the bright side, the good things, because we have one life, one chance and in our life story we must cling on those facts and people and memories that makes us go on and give us the reason to live.
I guess marriage and life are the simple boats that need a lot of mending but can lead us to the shore, not  the fancy yachts sinking at the first blow.It's a matter of choice and faith.