Motherhood

Yes, I delivered my babies on a winter morning without even dreaming that was THE day...writing and chatting with a friend until 3 in the morning and then at 7 it just happened, my little ones stopped waiting, wanted to come out and do their way in this world... And it was NOTHING I imagined, everything was completely different from what I had previously thought. I was sure I will stay in the hospital for a few days... well I stayed 2 weeks... I was sure I will handle everything by my own... it was so wrong I got frustrated and scared and in need of so much help. I was dreaming myself breastfeeding but I could not have that wonderful feeling (only for a moment one snowy evening and that was all).When I finally got home I got help from my mom and then I was alone for a week... :) handling twins is no joke and when I thought I slowly got the hint, they got sick and I was back in hospital for 2 more weeks...
I could see so much suffering and courage that I have never imagined it could actually exist in this world... I saw young parents coming to the hospital to feed their sick (undergoing surgeries) baby every 3 hour  (and they have done this for 4 months)... but they were happy and considered all the tiredness and suffering just steps before finally sharing all their life with their baby, hoping to be well and forget all the bad things. I realized my problems were just nothing compared to theirs.
I made friends...real mothers I had so much to learn from and I thank them for this
Being a mother changes everything and well it's not all smiles and happiness...it is so much more that I cannot express in proper words. One should be ready to face herself in a different mirror, to change the way and learn to become that person the children need: fearless, fresh and happy when deep inside the opposite happens and yes it is challenging.
Of course it is beautiful and rewarding like nothing else in this world and it's true the smile of your baby makes your day and erases all the bad and the dark. But behind this there is a real struggle a woman faces by herself, 'cause only she can deal with what her soul cries, asks, wonders and faces...
Maybe it's only me but the day I stepped out holding my husband elbow (first time away from the kids) in the street I had the vague feeling I once lived a different life (a job, friends, love life, real life), a life I cannot come back to anymore, a life I have to change and learn how to start a new one, reinvent myself as responsible for the lives of my babies (and that's big, trust me). I panicked many times and I was on the verge of losing myself, but I had to come to my senses for them... I guess that's  why mothers become stronger and that's why they look so powerful and I hope one day I will call myself a MOTHER... like my own mother who amazed me with the patience, endurance and love she surrounded me with...
Until then, motherhood is for me an ongoing process and the feed-back can only be found so many years later, in another time and world...